time for the heels

I can’t believe I’m here. How are we already at the end of January? Back in October, I thought Q’s due date would never arrive. Similarly I think I spent most days feeling like the end of these days would never arrive as well, but it snuck up on me somehow. Days turned to weeks… weeks turned to months, and here we are. And I have to admit, I am not ready. I know some moms reach the point where they are, but I’m not sure I ever could fully be.

I’ve spent most days these past several months figuring out a balance. Some days, I’ve been greedy and kept him home and to myself. I’ve been working to introduce him to music – both a mix of our favorites and children’s songs. Sometimes that was by my playing playlists on Spotify and other times by me serenading him. I think I thought my karaoke days were over once I had a child, but I was mistaken. Little did I know I would be giving concerts day after day for an enthralled audience of one. Unlike my karaoke outings where you never knew what to expect from an audience, I almost always know how to make Q smile. Can’t complain there. We met up with my new mom group mommies for mommy and me yoga and for music class, both of which I think were as much for Q as they were for me.

I also focused on how to schedule the day so that Q would get in a nap – whether that was in the Rock ‘n Play, on me, in the carrier or in the stroller. Some days, only the stroller would do. I’ve learned to be okay with that. Some days we read, even though that’s another activity I often feel like it’s more than me than for him. He humors me and smiles and nods occasionally. I do notice that with each day, he seems to take in a bit more. I know that one day, that will all switch and I’ll see that wave of recognition I’ve been waiting for all this time.

But it’s sinking in I am going to miss so much. The sum of all of these little things. In the time it takes me to go down to the lobby and across to the bus, he might have finally rolled over. Or maybe he’ll pull up for the first time or said that first intentional word. Instead of being annoyed for not capturing a photo or a video of it I will be missing it completely. We’re in the process of moving out of the city in the coming months, so it will soon not only be the work day that we’re apart but that additional commute time as well.

Someday I will tell him – tell him how special these weeks with just the two of us have been. Tell him how his toothless smile was the best thing I never knew I had to have. How it was my love for him somehow is giving me the strength to try to wrap my head around returning back to my career. How he somehow managed to teach me so much about myself in these sleep deprived months.

If you think about it in the morning, send a little smile my direction. As I’m working to see the light of day in the craziness that is my work email inbox, I’d much appreciate it.