Hi, I’m Lara, and I used to be a writer. Three Novembers, I clocked countless hours at coffee shops and bakeries across New York City – writing as a part of NaNoWriMo. I’ve completed a memoir and a novel, and have another idea I’m noodling on.
I also used to be super active with some nontraditional exercise programs – back in 2008 it was ballet but for the last seven years, you could find me swinging once a week 25 feet in the air from the flying trapeze. Yes, in the class taught by a veteran of Ringling Brothers there was little me – along with a number of folks in their professional circus arts training program. I look at clips like this and go man, was I strong!
Once upon a time, I was a very passionate karaoke singer. My love of singing in front of an audience has led to my singing on stage at the Off Broadway show, The Awesome 80s Prom, in front of a band of strangers on stage at Fontana’s singing “You Give Love a Bad Name” and even in front of a large crowd of my coworkers at Webster Hall in cowboy boots, singing “Gunpowder & Lead” with my Southern partner in crime.
Around October 24th when things settled in – me at home on maternity leave with Q and T back at work full-time – something changed. It wasn’t an immediate thing. Definitely gradual, but noticeable nonetheless. Once I settled into my “new normal,” I found myself looking in the mirror one day and not seeing any of those things in those eyes looking back at me. If anyone would have asked me to describe who I was, what my passions were, the only thing I think I would have said is “I’m a mom.”
Truly no complaint there. To say I am thrilled would be the biggest of understatements. We thought it would take a long time for us to get pregnant. When you’re of “advanced maternal age” – or, for those who don’t phrase it so politically correctly, a potential “geriatric pregnancy” – you go into the process expecting it to take a long time to happen. I consider myself extremely blessed to be tackling this so soon, because it means we were blessed with this not being as big of a challenge as anticipated.
In those tiny windows of naps, I’d sit and think through all of those various things. How do these interests exist now? Clearly just because we had a child, there wasn’t a magical increase in the number of hours in the day. Only 24 little hours to allocate across so many tasks in a given day – hours which become even fewer once a suburban commute becomes a factor. But I was still the same person underneath all this … right?
Yes and no.
It’s funny but a number of those things which were part of my must-dos fell to the side. TV shows I loved abandoned. Social and networking calendar forgotten, save play dates and activities for Q. I used to pride myself on keeping up on all the restaurant openings in Manhattan, aiming to hit up a number of them over the course of the month. That no longer was important to me. And, as I’ve mentioned before, there were so many changes outside of my sense of self I worked on accepting and adapting to. I realized too that when he was older, I didn’t want to lose all these elements of me by the time he was old enough to see them. (More to come on that in some future posts.)
I started slow. When Q would nap, I’d do little things that felt like things I would have filled my days with before. There were two things I returned to first – this blog and podcasting.
I did my first post here when Q was a week old, but taking the time to do it felt weird and I found myself struggling to keep to my original blog content theme, food. Letting myself really embrace the broadened content themes I’d started using a bit more of on Grits in the City felt like a huge step forward in embracing the new me while incorporating in something that had always been a huge part of me.
Once I did that, the ideas started coming. I have a list of posts that I can’t wait to get up here. I found while the content I’m able to produce is less, I’m really proud of the content. More of my heart is going here so it feels like the time I’m spending writing is accomplishing so much more. Getting back to writing, even if it’s a baby step, makes me so happy.
Second, was the podcast (Will You Accept This Podcast). It may seem silly. Why, you ask, with so little spare time did I make time to do a podcast about The Bachelor? The aggressive release schedule forced me to commit to making time for something mindless on a regular basis. I didn’t realize how refreshing that would be. And while parenting did occasionally come up in our conversations, for most of the time, taping was all about something completely outside of my day-to-day. As an added bonus, it also meant spending time on a weekly basis with my sister — the outside world!
It took some time, but now I look in the mirror and I say why hello there mama, writer, podcaster – all rolled into one. You’re pretty awesome, you’re strong and you’ve got this.
When you are responsible for a little human that you bring into the world it is completely natural to change. So glad you found your balance! It is a struggle and it is hard but just remember YOU ARE ENOUGH 🙂 So many, including myself, have gone through this. Loved reading your post; mama, writer, podcaster – 🙂
You have accomplished so much! That’s so great that even after having a little one, you have found a way to find balance and still do what you love. Kudos to you!
You are pretty awesome! That’s wonderful.i hope I can get to that point looking in the mirror feeling that way!
Welcome back! It is refreshing to read about someone ‘s journey back to one’s self. I am glad to read that you are finding your creative self again!
Brace yourself! This will likely happen again at various stages of motherhood! I have teens now and have gone through the same process (again). As moms we get so busy and often times we get wrapped up more in their needs than our own. Very normal, but we need to remember that we need time for ourselves too, but it doesn’t just happen. We need to make it happen!
Thanks so much, Zandria! Yes, it’s been a period of so many big changes, but so many wonderful ones at that. Love having my bits of old me, like responding to a lovely comment from you on my blog 🙂
You’ve accomplished so much. So much to be proud about. It’s amazing! I love writing and have so many goals with it it’s crazy! But it’s one of my passions.
Wow, that’s scary! I couldn’t even imagine flying from a trapeze, even with a net or what ever underneath. I would love to do something non traditional though as far as keeping active.
You’ve definitely got this!! It’s amazing how much your expectations and and definition of happiness changes over time. I never thought I would be as happy as I am, living in a small town, being a real estate agent of all things. I thought I wanted the big city life, but I am so content.
You are such a strong woman. Go you! Having little ones can definitely change things up.
Having a little one will really change us. I’m so happy for you. Please remember that you need to take care of yourself. Sending lots of love!
There will always be a lot of changes and it can feel a little overwhelming. I had to let go of a lot of things too when the twins came into my life. The demand of two babies was crazy and for a time, I could only focus on them and not on the things that I want.
Slowly but surely, you’ll eventually get to do things that you want even if you have a baby to take care of. It’s great that you’re doing small things for you!
I really enjoyed this and can relate to your message so much. I have 4 kids 5 and under so finding me time is difficult. I definitely feel like I used to be this and that but now I’m just a mom. Still trying to find me way back to me but I know she will reappear one day.
As a Mom of 6 kids, I completely understand the part of loosing yourself. I have been contemplating this for a while now, I see that I am no where near the girl I was before kids; some parts are good and others not. I look forward to this Summer, so I can find my mojo again 😉
Yes you are amazing!! I totally understand this feeling. Before I kids I was on my own timeline at my own pace. Now things are very different and finding time and space to fit “me” in there becomes a challenge. Glad you found that grove!
good for you. simply having kids without any other major life changes, changes who you are and sometimes it takes longer to find your way again. congrats.
Thanks for sharing with such openness and honesty. It’s easy to loss yourself when you become a mom. So much of your attention goes into taking care of a little person, but you also have to find time for yourself.
I so enjoyed reading this post! Motherhood is tricky but I loved seeing how you grew and learned!
I hope you can find yourself in a place where you are happy because you found “you” again. It is so hard to do and so easy to wander away from the things you love!
It’s funny how life changes the older that you get. One day you are a party animal and the next you are worried whether the kids have enough food for lunch. Yep, time flies. But, you are right, you got this!
That trapeze class looks amazing! You are still strong – just get right back into it! *I say this as I’m drinking coffee filled with creamer and laughing at my plans to stop. 🙂
I think this is the hardest thing about becoming a mom, time. You just never seem to have enough of it and because you don’t, you sort of lose yourself in it all.
Awwwww good for you finding your way back to you! Once you have a little one it can definitely be tough to find yourself again that’s for sure!
You go girl! Watching you and reading this is so inspiring to many women–love that you shared this!
I think it is so important to have these moments to reflect on the direction that our life is taking. It allows us to be proactive about our own personal progress.