Grief can make you lash out in unexpected directions, even at your favorite musician. Here’s why I couldn’t listen to Tori Amos for almost a year and what finally brought me back.

When I got my first job at age fifteen, I spent all my money on two things: Doc Martens and Tori Amos CDs. I’d be so into singing her songs that I’d often miss my exit on the interstate on the frequent weekend drives home from college. My all-time favorite album, Little Earthquakes, is one of hers. I even dyed my hair a shade of red around age 16 in part because of Tori’s vibrant locks. 

Unsure of who to take with me to my first concert of hers, I finally decided to go by myself — something I’d never done but would do many times over the years following. I’ve seen her at 43 performances spanning 2 countries and 11 states — numbers that sound wild for anyone outside of her fans who understand these stats pale in comparison to those who got a jump start on her concerts back in the early 90s. Back when I didn’t have a driver’s license and would have never thought about crossing state lines for a concert. But in February 2018, I couldn’t listen to her music anymore. This might sound random but for me, it was huge.